Dexter, the fearless kid

Meet Dexter; my hero, my BFF, the champ, my right rockstar kidney.  This dude stepped up to bat the minute Kiki, my dearly departed left kidney (see previous blog entry), exited the building en route for sunnier climes, and has been purring like a kitten ever since. He was clearly born to do this, showing up like Mighty Mouse to save the day. He saved me.

Kiki is gone, Ladies and Germs, but she’s definitely not forgotten.  She took every ounce of my pit of pain, we added all of your woes to her suitcases, and off she went. Thanks for helping me fill her bags. I meditated on each fear, anxiety and despair you threw at us and put it all in Kiki’s Louis Vuittons in your name. I hope you felt the darkness ease a little. I hope you felt some peace. I know I did.

Do you want the gory details? At 9:15AM on September 11th, 2017, I quite buoyantly strode into the operating room at Sloane Kettering Memorial Hospital.  I wasn’t exactly thrilled with what was about to happen, but somehow I felt empowered. After all, I had a purpose. It was no longer just about me and my cancer ladened kidney. Other folks were counting on this exorcism of Kiki’s tumor to take their disease away too. I became Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy, making a sacrifice for the greater good. We are Groot! We are ALL Groot!

The operating room looked so high tech and glossy, lots of computer screens, lights, robotic stuff, hair, make up (OK, maybe not those last two), a full squadron of people in scrubs and one nice gal with the sleepy-time goods (I liked her). All for me! I wanted to get a selfie with my robot, but, no phones were allowed in the operating room (What? Boo!). Down on the table, with seconds before the anesthesiologist started to inject her concoction, I started shouting, “OK, JUST SO YOU KNOW, THE LEFT ONE IS NAMED “KIKI” AND THE RIGHT ONE IS “DEXTER,” SO MAKE SURE YOU GET THE RIGHT ONE, I MEAN THE CORRECT ONE, WHICH, OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW, IS THE LEFT ONE! YOU DO KNOW, RIGHT? I MEAN, YES?  I MEAN LEFT!! SERIOUSLY, DON’T FUCK THIS UP, YOU GUYS!! GOOD BYE KIKI, I LOVE YOU!! YOU GOT THIS, DEXTEEEEERRRR….” I’m sure those last words speeded up the aneasthesia department’s process because, just as I wailed Dexter’s name, I could feel my voice getting farther and farther away from me. Cocktail in, Catherine out.

I woke up over 5 hours later, apparently with quite a bit of loopy pizzazz, humor and good cheer that lasted until the second the pain killer wore off. That, my friends, is when the party was over, sense of humor fail. Well, what did I expect? I just had an MAJOR ORGAN removed from my body. This was not just some minor kidney punch. 

Side note: When they remove a kidney laparoscopically and robotically, whether it’s from your left or right side, they actually make incisions that are more towards the center rather than the side of your abdomen. Huh. When I woke up and took a gander at my wounds, I was surprised to see that there were 5 small-ish incisions, not even remotely near my left kid. "Wouldn’t it make more sense to make the cuts closer to the kidney that’s getting ousted?" I asked. My Doc, I'm sure appreciating my medical suggestion, said, “It's easy. We put you on your side, move your GUTS out of the way to get to your kidney.” Ewwww. He said GUTS. 

The healing is slow, but sure. The body miraculously knows what to do, I just need to sit still and let it do its thing. In my long hours lying on the couch, now at home for exactly one week, I sometimes imagine that my GUTS were friends with Kiki and they miss her. Is that weird? Probably. Or not. (For the record, in case you were wondering, I am writing this without opioids). I miss Kiki, but I accepted her departure as the best thing for both of us. Maybe the GUTS are searching for her with their "innard radar," asking each other, "Hey Guys, what the heck happened to Kiki? She was just here a minute ago."  Maybe they feel the emptiness and wonder, "what's going to fill that space now?"

It came to me in one of my Mozart meditation sessions as I was talking to Kiki and Dexter. I visualized that hole left by her departure. Space worth filling. With what? The options are endless.  LOVE! JOY! MUSIC! POSSIBILITIES! POSITIVITIES! No negative thought, person or situation need apply. I'm liking this!

Dexter is doing great. He's one heck of kidney, swooping in when I needed him, batting for both sides, no complaints, just doing his job. I'm going to talk to him every day and let him know how grateful I am to him for picking up the slack. And I'm going to take some time to continue to fill the space that Kiki so generously left me and my GUTS. Can you find a space in your GUTS somewhere and fill it with something cool? What would you choose? I want to know. Let's load ourselves up with only the good stuff. Please feel free to comment and share it with me. All ideas are appreciated. 

Yours in Cancer-free health, joy and gratitude,

Catherine 

PS: My heartfelt thanks again to Duncan Cork for bringing my kidneys to life in drawings that have not only made me laugh, but have perfectly nailed the visuals I had in my head.